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Wrestlemania 26 Review

It only comes once a year and kids and grown ups alike, around the world, always feel that tingle in their bones as the countdown hits zero and the magic begins.. – no, not Christmas, I hear you cry – but, rather (in the style of Mr. McMahon..)Wrestlemaniaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggh!!!!!!

Last night’s Wrestlemania, the 26th edition of the most prestigious event in the wrestling world, had a card with the potential to be one of the all time greatest Wrestlemania’s, if not the best.  But could it live up to its hype?  Take my palm as I take you through the streets of Niko and give the final say on WM26.

But before we begin, I’m sure you are wondering why I am overlooking the real news of the day – which is that Chechen terrorists have targeted my home country once again with a vile terrorist attack on the Moscow subway.  I simply have not got the words to express how infuriated I am at this continued monstrosity of a cult, this cancer upon the earth – and partly too with all the cunts who overlook this cultural threat to our global society in the misguided attempt of being “nice”.  Fuck you all.  Especially the mainstream media who cover up who this scum really is, time and time again with words like “gunmen”, rather than you-know-what.  I won’t say it myself, why should I?  But if you don’t know what I mean, then learn the facts, know history – only then may you sit back and enjoy Wrestlemania.

Now on with my WM26 review.. before we begin, let me introduce you to my rating system

?/10 – Interestingness of match
?/10 – Comedy amount
?/10  – Eyeroll rating

Ok I think thats simple enough, so…

Match 1 – Miz-Show vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
I think the majority of us just spent most of this match admiring the spectacular setup that WWE had, whilst we dined on our snacks.  Everything about it was amazing – the whole pyramid titantron and eye of horus shit was an epic nod to our civilisation’s rich history and nothing is better than an open arena for wrestling shows.  Seeing the first match in the day time, with the slow progression to the main event in the night – its just a thing of dreams.  The golden hue on the lighting in the evening was so classy too, and it really emphasised the importance of the event – just amazing.  WWE’s production levels are the best in all of entertainment.  The match itself I didn’t care fore, was just a generic Raw tag team match with the obvious Big Show’s super-punch finish.  I still find it hard to buy the fact Big Show’s finisher is a punch, when his initial moves in every match are punches anyway… 

0/10
2/10
2/10

Match 2 – Legacy triple threat
…but its not as hard to believe as Randy Orton as a good guy.. what the fuck?  And the crowding cheering for the punt, which is the most evil move in wrestling today..  That was almost as sick and disgusting as Bret’s actions against Vince in their match, but more on that later.  This was another boring match that I could care less about, and the biggest surprise was Cody Rhodes coming out to his 2007 era music and attire.  Proper laughed at that
2/10
4/10
5/10

Match 3 – Money In The Bank
So the first 2 matches were both boring duds, but this is where the show was going to begin we all thought – WWE’s annual spotfest.  I’m not really a fan of such matches, but at least the cheap thrills would get the excitement going.. but it never worked out like that.  Instead it was just a total botchfest, with overly complex ladder spots being messed up.  Just a total embarrassment for everyone involved and was probably as boring as the first 2 matches.  I’m just glad Christian didn’t win, that would have been unbearable, Jack Swagger was probably the best choice even though I was rooting for the big red retard Kane
2/10
5/10
6/10

Match 4 – Triple H vs. Sheamus
Missed this match but sounded fucking crap from the sounds of it, was this shaping up to be the most boring Wrestlemania ever?  All I saw of it was the weird cylinder thing descending on Triple H’s entrance.. what the fuck?  He gets that before hes even started the match?  Nevermind it being a fucking pointless match.. proper pissed myself at that

0/10
4/10 (just for Triple H’s entrance with the cylinder coming down)
0/10

Match 5 – CM Punk vs. Gay Mysterio
So after the first 4 matches of complete shit, we were finally going to get a good match I thought.  I love to hate Mysterio with his talking in Spanish and squeaky voice shit and stupid mask.  To me, hes like John Cena is to most of the stupid “smarks” in the audience who boo Cena incessantly despite his brilliant athleticism, colossal promos and increasingly great wrestling skills.  But despite this fact, I love to watch Rey’s matches – he’s so entertaining and always innovative.  Not only this, but CM Punk is the perfect match for him at the moment in terms of rivalries, and vice versa.  This match was destined to be a classic, especially with the stipulation of Rey having to join the Straight Edge Society, a.k.a. the best faction since the Right To Censor, if he lost the match.  So CM Punk and cut a generic promo which was great, then Rey botched his entrance which was hilarious – then came out in an ode to Avatar or something… Reminded me of his stupid ode to Heath Ledger last year, the fucking little geek.  The match begun and I was on the edge of my seat, for what seemed like 2 minutes, before Rey hit the 619 and got the pin.  Again I was like “What the fuck???”  What about the potentially great storyline of Rey turning into one of the straight edge zombies that follow the saviour CM Punk around.  What happened the great wrestling match to kick off the show, after the first 4 flop matches?  Alas, twas not to be, thusly I was left hoping for better things in the next match which was of course the long-awaited…

0/10
2/10
6/10

Bret the shitman Fart being a bitter bastard as usual

Match 6 – Bret “the shitman” Fart vs. The Greatest Of All Time
Readers of this blog know my love for Vince is no secret – he is my favourite wrestler in history.  As well as this, I am on Team Vince when it comes to the Montreal Screwjob too – not out of bias, but simply because I believe Vince was right.  If Bret was going to WCW and turning his back on the man who brought him up like a 2nd father and gave him a platform to be a global superstar on – then why the fuck should he retain the world title on his last night and take it to WCW?  Does nobody else realise how ludicrous this would have been for the WWE to allow?  And of course, Bret having a bigger ego than Triple H, he wouldn’t let Michaels beat him in front of his “home crowd” (What an excuse 

Anyway, I can overlook all that and just have enjoyed the match for what it was and accepted Bret was obviously going to win.  Bret came out in his moronic skater boy clothes as usual looking like a fucking tit.  Then Vince came out and the whole double cross “twist” was predictable and boring.. but what came after that was truly disgusting.  This was just 10 minutes of Bret Hart legit hitting a 62 year old man.  How can anyone be expected to cheer for Bret, who is obviously the “heel” guy here – he has held this bitterness over something so stupid for 13 years and takes it out on Vince by legit twatting him with a chair.  Vince’s crying was real and the whole thing was just awkward and sickening to watch.  Even the audience in attendance didn’t cheer because it was that pathetic.  This fucking moron in his skater clothes beating up a guy in his sixties for something petty and trivial that happened over a decade ago.  Unbelievable.  He should fuck off to TNA with all the other bitter bastards.

0/10
6/10
10/10

Match 7 – Chris Jericho vs. Edge
Yesss, at last, a match guaranteed to be good.  As much as Edge is shit as a “face”, this is still a decent rivalry and the video promo is class despite the whole “spear” crap.  I can’t buy that move as a finisher, even Big Show’s punch is better than that.  Especially from someone as puny looking as Edge.  And the “spear, spear, spear” chant works about as much as “Edge, edge, edge” would.  But I could easily overlook that for what was bound to be a great match between the best in the world at what he does and the rated PG superstar.

But again, I was totally dissapointed.  This match started off slow, which I thought would have been okay, but it never went anywhere at all.  We all laughed at how pathetic the little offence Edge got in was and the fast he didn’t even hit his stupid spear after all that build up.  The posse I watched the show with, we all joked about how funny it would be if he didn’t even hit the spear after all that build up, and then he didn’t.  Like everyone else, we were rooting for Y2J and were delighted when he won, but really underwhelmed.   This match wouldn’t have been out of place on Smackdown – this is meant to be Wrestlemania for fucks sake!  And Edge needs to turn heel again already if he wants to be taken seriously.  Yet another dissapointment, but if there is a rematch at “Extreme Rules” it should be better

4/10
7/10
3/10

Match 8 – Batista vs John Cena
I knew this match would steal the show and my prediction was right – finally a match that was worthy of the hype.  This was a great match, despite the cunts in the first row trying to put off Cena with the big Cena Sucks sign.  I did laugh hard at that though, how funny was it…

The match was all what Wrestlemania is about though – the biggest guys in the industry going at it for the World Title.  Batista, I always hated as a “face”, but since his “heel” turn hes been fucking amazing.  His whole look and personality totally suit being this fearless, egotistical heel character which is exactly what WWE was missing with all their wimpy heels who need to cheat to win.  Cena is brilliant as the good guy too and I wish the booing fat cunts would fuck off with that shit already.

Anyway, the match was great and really well paced and even though the Summerslam reversal was a little botched it was a great moment for followers of this fantastic rivalry.  I started up a chant of “this is wrestling”, but the other 70000 morons in attendance didn’t seem to catch on.

As much as I like Batista at the moment, I’m still Cena’s #665 fan and thusly I “marked out”, as they say, when he made Batista tap.  The whole kicking out of the FU and Batista bomb was obvious though, especially due to Michael Cole’s over-selling.  Speaking of Cole, I wish he would fuck off now.  I defended Cole to the end, but the last year or so he has really began to grate on me.  His new found confidence is what has done it.. I preferred it when he was the poindexter alongside JBL – in my opinion the greatest commentary team of all time.

And Cena posing with the faggot fans at the end with the anti-Cena shirt was fucking hilarious, totally trolled them back.  Get in 

8/10
6/10
2/10

Taker as the fucking gay "American Badass" in his prime

Match 9 – HBK vs Undertaker
For starters, let me just clarify how much I detest The Undertaker.  I was rooting so badly for HBK to win this because I hate the “deadman” and his fucking gay “streak”.  Here’s hoping this is the last time he ever main events Wrestlemania, because after HBK not winning this I can never buy that anyone will be credible enough to beat the streak.

That said, this was a great match, perhaps just about worth the crazy amount of hype.  It was a little different than last year in a sense, but still really it was just finisher after finisher with kickouts – except with Cole cumming in his pants, voice breaking instead of Good ol’ JR.   I was one of the minority who felt last years match was good, but slightly overrated.  But still, compared to the rest of the crap on this show, this was easily the 2nd best match of the night.

I was still shocked a couple of times with some of the kickouts and some of the innovative spots were great – like HBK’s reversal of the Hell’s Gate into a pin… that was brilliant, and the moonsault when we were all rolling our eyes going “here comes the big elbow again”, that was a shocker

But the fact it was just choke slam, tombstone, superkick etc. 100 times overall  took away from the match in my opinion.

Also, I fucking detest The Undertaker’s entrance usually – but this one with all the lasers and that even had me, the most ardent ‘Taker hater going “wow!”.  It looked simply stunning from our near-front row seats, and I guess you can’t really appreciate it until you see it in person.

What turned this from a “good” match to a “great” match though was really the ending.  Undertaker showing he had a soul when he stopped the “rest in peace” motion was a great moment, as well as HBK’s final troll moment by doing it back to ‘Taker anyway.  Then, Shawn’s walk of shame out the arena was fantastic, with the prayers to God and such – really an epic moment.  Lets hope he doesn’t end up in TNA blading in front of a few hundred ungrateful smark fags every week like another “retired” legend.

9/10
7/10
3/10

Overall thoughts
Despite the fact the whole thing was totally underwhelming compared to what we all expected, and even shambolic in parts, it was still great fun to watch.. it is Wrestlemania after all, it only comes once a year and still gave us a few “Wrestlemania moments” for us to enjoy on Youtube in a few years time.

My final WM rating:

4/10
10/10
3/10

And whats the most important thing in life?  Laughter .  So in that sense, WM was a roaring success.. bring on next year, when we finally get the dream match of the battle of the balds – Goldberg vs. Steve Austin, or failing that, Goldberg vs. Gillberg.. or how about Bret Hart gets his ultimate revenge on Goldberg, the cunt who ruined his career?  I can back him for that at least

To be honest though, I would still root for Goldberg.. Spear, Spear, Spear!

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